Why Bad Things Are Actually Good Things.
One of the most interesting things I notice when I talk to high school and college kids is a strong desire for certainty. In their future job choice, with their efforts, and in the school work they do.
Their fear of failure outweighs their desire for success, happiness, and growth.
But the thing is that I’m not convinced that this is just a “kids these days” things. Most of the adults I talk to suffer from this as well. They’re just better at hiding it.
For “grown-ups” it looks more like staying in a job they hate, living in a miserable relationship, or sitting around complaining that someone (their spouse, the government, or their boss) needs to fix the problem for them.
And it’s not like I’m immune to this fear of failure either. I have spent a lot of my life trying to create certainty. Trying to remove doubt about the future. Control as many variables in my life to build a solid next step to move forward on.
Not that this is necessarily a bad thing; it’s human nature. Deep down we’re all just scared little kids waiting for our parents to tell us everything is ok. We grow up as infants learning what is right and wrong entirely through external feedback from our parents and teachers.
But the problem is that just like scared little kids, we need to grow up at times to face the sometimes harsh realities of the world around us. Mommy and Daddy can’t do this for us.
This constant desire to remove the unknown doesn’t serve us well. For many people it manifests as anxiety and a compulsive worrying about what could happen. The only certainty that this will result in is that we never actually enjoy the moment. We never actually live.
Dan Harris said it best: “Uncertainty is the price of certainty”. When you remove risk you also remove opportunity. I’m sure we’ve all had experiences where we work hard to reach a certain outcome only to realize it wasn’t what we actually wanted.
The reality is that we can’t control the vast majority of what happens to us. There is danger and risk all around us. We will get hurt, we will feel sad, we will lose things that are valuable to us, we will fail, we will be wrong, and we will make mistakes.
These things are inevitable, and so are the bad feelings that accompany them. Guilt, shame, loneliness, pain, sadness, fear, and regret are all valid feelings designed to send you a very specific message to not repeat whatever happened.
These feelings can be so strong and impactful that they can have the unintended side effect of setting us on edge, watching for the slightest sign that events are about to head south. We begin to associate benign events, impersonal actions, and emotionally projected words as signals that we need to hunker down in defensive mode until the coast is clear.
And ultimately, instead of growing up to be strong, healthy, and independent adults, many of us just become anxious, insecure, and defensive big kids.
Though this can help us prevent some of the bad feelings, it comes at the cost of a greater sense of peace, happiness, and accomplishment. Even when life does work out and things go your way, if you’re so caught up in playing lookout for the next problem you’ll never actually enjoy the positives.
While we can’t prevent the bad things, we can guarantee that good things won’t happen. This is the essence of a self-fulfilling prophecy. An expectation of a negative outcome that eventually creates the negative outcome.
So what’s the solution here?
Embrace the bad feelings in life. Enjoy them. Appreciate them. Not because they feel good or are fun, but because through them you have the opportunity to experience their counterpart.
Good does not exist without bad to juxtapose it against. Light does not exist without dark as a comparison. Pleasure can only be experienced because we know what pain is.
- Happy and sad.
- Right and wrong.
- Pride and shame.
- Victory and defeat.
- Love and fear.
- Romance and heartbreak.
- Gain and loss.
- Failure and success.
The list goes on…
I’ve come to the realization that whenever I am experiencing the less desirable side of one of these pairs, I am just on the verge of a proportionally if not exponentially greater period of growth.
This happens if I have to tackle an annoying frustrating issue like learning a new technology, or dealing with a new reality of life (accounting and taxes, anyone?!?), or having to address an uncomfortable conversation or personal flaw.
The overwhelm and anxiety of “I can’t do this, who can I call to take care of this for me” that runs through your body making you want to just quit. Skin gets flushed, tempers can flare, and negative thoughts start flying around.
But if I stick in there, take a breath, and take it one step at a time, soon enough I break through. And by pushing through the discomfort, I’ve now grown. My skill sets expand, my knowledge is greater, and I have more confidence in my abilities next time I face a difficult situation.
Maybe this is just my own little hypothesis, but it seems to be true for many. Distress and pain is the pathway to growth – if you let it be.
This is not just telling yourself a fairy tale or using the power of wishful thinking and positive affirmation to believe an untruth. This is simply looking at your experience from slightly bigger picture.
These so-called negative emotions are really just signs that you have an opportunity for growth available to you on the other side. All you have to do is lean into that emotion and accept what the experience is willing to teach you and you move right through it.
I think of this like moving through a series of doors on your journey in life. Bad emotions, events, and experiences are similar to a door we wanted to pass through being shut in our face.
Some of us stop moving forward completely, choosing to sit and bang our head against the door waiting for something to change. Others turn around and head backwards in the assumption that future doors will just shut too.
But if we lean into the door and pay attention to it. We might notice a handle. If we remain present in that moment and learn from it, we can use that to open the door and pass through. For some doors this requires patience and great effort, but the process remains the same.
In more tangible terms, remind yourself of the corollary to each of these emotions when you experience them.
Every time you feel the sadness of a lost relationship or friend, remember that you now have a better capacity to love and appreciate those around you.
Every time you feel the rush of overwhelm and confusion in a new environment, know that learning and growth is right on the other side if you persist.
Every time you feel the pain and fear of disappointment and loss, keep in mind that this is the fuel for improvement that will eventually lead to success.
Be grateful for the bad things that happen to you in life. It is because of them that you can truly live. Pain, fear, loss, and death are the price we pay for happiness, love, relationship, and life. You can’t have one without the other.
Regardless, you wouldn’t want to, even if you could.
