Stop Trying
If I told you to “stop trying”, you’d probably think I was telling you to quit or give up. And that probably seems like something you wouldn’t expect to hear from a coach. But in fact, it’s one of the most common things I say to my clients and athletes.
Our society falls back on a few common sayings that are meant to signify effort and intention:
“I tried my best”
“Keep trying, you’ll get there!”
“You only fail when you stop trying”
But the thing is that, more often than not, this focus on trying is what is keeping us from making a decision. Confused? Let me explain a bit better.
Language is important. Our ability to communicate is limited by our vocabulary. The words we use to describe our thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions create our world view and the way we are perceived by others.
That’s why when we say that we are “trying” to achieve something, it can be misleading and ultimately sabotaging to our efforts.
For example, I work with many clients that are looking to lose weight. This isn’t an easy process but it’s absolutely doable. Not everyone is successful in this endeavor though and the first thing they’ll tell me when I ask for an update is “I’m trying to lose weight!”
Now, you may think this is a bit harsh, but the reality is that they aren’t trying to lose weight, they’re not losing weight.
The issue is that there is no such thing as trying. We either do something or we don’t. Simple as that. You don’t try to get out of bed in the morning, you either do or you don’t. You don’t try to be a nicer person, you either are or you aren’t.
In an effort to feel better about ourselves and please those around us, we‘ve created a false third category of options when it comes to making change in our lives – TRY.
Think about it a bit. We often use this word in conjunction with something that hasn’t happened yet, specifically in an area that we want to change or improve.
For instance, suppose I tell you I want to get stronger and to check in with me in a month to see if I’ve done it. A month passes, and you ask me how it’s going. I have two options:
1) I have gotten stronger.
2) I have not gotten stronger.
What I cannot say is that I tried or that I am trying. That’s not answering the question. I either did the actions required to get stronger or I didn’t.
The problem is that we chalk situations like this up to events outside of our control – I didn’t get stronger because I have bad genetics, or I was busy, or I didn’t know how to exercise the right way…
But these are all excuses. Attempts to shift the responsibility to something or someone else instead of admitting what we did or didn’t do.
I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m being a hard ass about this. We’re all trying, we’re doing the best we can do, after all! But my point here is that the perception that we are trying is often times the very thing that keeps us from succeeding.
The process of “trying” becomes active procrastination for most people. Essentially this becomes the placeholder for concrete action. Instead of looking at outcomes and inputs, we occupy ourselves with the notion of trying.
I get it, success doesn’t happen overnight, so how then do you describe the period between the onset of effort and the outcome? Great question!
This is the difference between having a dream and having a plan. When we say we are trying to achieve something – wealth, happiness, health, weight loss, or any other lofty aspiration, we often focus on two points. Where we are now and where we want to be.
This is the equivalent of living in Miami and saying I want to go to Denver. This end destination is important, of course, but it serves no point if we can’t also create a plan to get there.
Get a car, find directions, take the first turn, then the next, and so on until we actually get to Denver.
Sure, the language of “trying” does serve as a nice placeholder for a quick explanation to others about what we are attempting to do, but when it becomes a substitute in our self talk for an actual thoughtful approach to change, it can easily become the active procrastination that keeps us stuck.
At the end of the day, action is all that matters. What have you done, what are you doing now, and what are you going to do. Wants, wishes, and hopes add up to nothing without action.
Our actions say more about what we want that anything else. So if you say you’re “trying” to reach some goal, the better question you should ask yourself is “what do my actions say about my intensions?”
Let me share the story of how I first saw this lesson play out. I was watching a Tony Robbins seminar a few years back, he was on stage talking to a woman who was frustrated with her life and marriage. He could tell that she was stuck in this misery mostly because of her own stubborn refusal to accept responsibility for her part in the life she lived.
So he gave her a test. “Try to pick up that chair” he said, pointing to the chair she was sitting in.
Not entirely certain of the reasoning for this, she turned around and picked up the chair.
“No, now you’ve picked up the chair” he said, “TRY to pick up the chair!”
She turned around and set it back down and held it on the ground, looking back at him for reassurance.
“No, now you’ve set the chair down” he said, “TRY to pick up the chair!”
Starting to get frustrated, she turned around and picked the chair up, looking back at him to see if this was the right answer.
“NO, now you’ve picked the chair up” he said, “TRY to pick up the chair!!”
This went on for another round of two while the crowd slowly started to realize the point of this exercise. Eventually she too realized what was happening.
Tony went on to explain his point that there is no such thing as trying. You either do or you do not. This lesson stuck with me ever since.
You see, we tell ourselves that we are trying all the time. But this is not an honest evaluation of our efforts and actions. We do this to make ourselves feel better and to not feel like a failure.
More often than not this results from two situations. We’re either overextended, doing too many things to actually put the time and resources into successfully making a change, or we don’t really want to put the work into whatever it is we say we want, and use the language of “trying” to placate the other people in our lives.
This does a disservice to ourselves and to others. And the remedy is simple. Be honest about what we really want and what we are actually doing.
We hesitate to admit that we’re not going to do something or pursue some goal that someone else is asking of us, because this flies in the face of the people pleasing tendency many of us suffer from. We feel that we may let people down if we don’t at least say we care about making this change happen.
But the reality is that we’re ultimately just leading them on. If your friend asks you to do a favor for them and you say you’ll try, you’re not being honest. If you intend to do it then say you will make it happen. But if it’s not something you’re truly interested in seeing through, then you need to tell them that up front so that they can move forward.
On the other hand, if we can’t say no to new opportunities and obligations that come up in life, we end up being overextended. And as a result, when we are asked for an update on the status of our endeavors, we give a safe “I’m trying” response that we hope will signal some form of effort. However, saying something and wanting it to be true does not make it such.
In this scenario, we are much better off looking at the actions that we prioritized over the recent past and determining what we are actually putting time and energy into. Odds are, if it’s not something you made time for over the last few weeks, it’s not a priority for you and you’d be better off to just stop. To say no to the things you don’t want to do and aren’t going to do.
Though this may seem difficult at first, as though you are shutting down some potential future and closing the door on an opportunity, this ultimately frees you up to pursue the things that you really care about.
If you really want to make a change then you need to think about concrete actions you can take. An incredibly effective way to do this is to hire a coach that can provide objective feedback for you as you work on a specific process that will lead to change.
You can also create external pressure with deadlines, public promises, and wagers that will help you follow through on things that you said you wanted to do. Many of us have a difficult time acting off of internal motivation alone, so a little artificial incentive can go a long way.
But the most important action you can take in regard to making a change is to define your goals. It’s far too easy to commit to any and everything that looks like a promising venture. We try a bunch of stuff then work backward to see if it fits into our goals. However, if we can start with the end in mind and consider how our values and goals match up with the proposed option, then we can have a much better ability to make a decision on whether to pursue or not.
What I really want you to take away from this article is that there are only two options when it comes to doing something. We either do something or we don’t.
By making the change in our language to become more direct about what we are doing and what we value, we create more clarity for ourselves. This in turn creates more clarity and understanding in every relationship we have – work, family, romantic, friendships, teammates.
So next time you catch yourself saying that you’re trying, stop and clarify. If you are actively working toward that change, then say what you are doing. But if you’re not and you know it, then say so. Don’t lead other people on and don’t lead yourself on.
Communication is so vitally important, the words you use matter.
