It is what it is.
You’ve heard it before many times, someone famous from the Bible once said it… It’s a very common thing to hear. It is a saying of acceptance, of surrendering to the circumstances around you. Though this is often used in a negative connotation, there is another side to the phrase that is one of hope and opportunity.
I was talking to my dad last week about the current situation we are all experiencing of pandemic and widespread anxiety. Much of the conversation was centered around the acceptance of this new reality and the fact that there is much we don’t know about the progression. At one point he made the offhand comment “well, you know, it is what it is I guess”.
Normally I would have agreed and moved on, but something about the tone in his voice caused me pause to reflect on what he had said. While his observation of reality what correct, his perception of that reality was not serving him well.
It’s true – it is what it is. This saying is a tautology, it’s always true. Because no matter what it is, it is what it is. Which is why many people use it as a closing argument when they’ve exhausted their efforts or are expressing acceptance.
But at the same time, while you can’t alter the first half of the saying, you have absolute control over the second half.
Life happens, sh*t happens, the vast majority of the world’s events are outside of our circle of control and our circle of influence. We can’t control the weather, international politics, sports teams, other people, or even our thoughts. We can try to manipulate some aspects of each of these with varying amounts of success, but an overestimation of our impact results in frustration and disappointment at the lack of effectiveness.
So how do we face this severe lack of control? We accept it. It is. We can do little to nothing individually to cure the coronavirus or change the weather. But what we can do is choose our response to what happens in life.
Victor Frankl, the famous Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our power and our freedom.”
This quote has stuck with me for some time now and I think it has great relevance to this moment. While it is what it is, it really is what you choose it to be.
Now I’m not suggesting that you spend your life in a fantasy land, ignoring the reality of the world and looking at everything through rose-colored glasses. The coronavirus, the Holocaust, world hunger, cancer… they are all incredibly difficult and horrible things that no one actually wants. If we could wave a magic wand and wish things into nonexistence, I’m sure those would be on the top 10 list for everyone.
But what I am saying is that each and every event in our lives, no matter how good or bad, how important or insignificant, or personal or general, is an opportunity to look at what is. For Victor Frankl, the Holocaust became an opportunity to study the human psyche in the most extreme of circumstances and develop his famous theory of Logotherapy.
Being let go from your job can be an opportunity to look at life differently again, to pursue something you actually care about. Going through a difficult separation or divorce can be a chance to look at yourself more clearly and shake out bad habits you’ve formed over the years.
Of course, it’s easy to walk down the yellow brick road as Mr. Brightside when you’re objectively looking at that situation. It’s much harder to feel any hope for positivity or opportunity when you just found out that you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a severe or terminal disease.
The process of acceptance and grief looks differently for everyone and rushing anyone down this path before they are ready is inconsiderate and inappropriate. But the end result for those who recover well from any tragedy is the same – a realization that “it is what it is”.
The difference though is that once we realize our power of autonomy in response, we can change the what it is part. You can choose what you will make from this. You have to if you want to move forward. The alternative is to live in misery, cursing the ground you live on and the seeds you’ve been given to sow.
Now let’s bring this back to today, a situation we are all faced with – dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic and the rippling affects around the world that it is having on our economies and social infrastructure.
To be clear on the “it is” part – this is a dangerous disease and a huge problem for our society at large. What is more, the effects on our economy, businesses, and life as we know it have been staggering. And we haven’t seen the full extent yet. The “it is” is not good. “It is” pretty bad.
But the “what it is” part is up to you. Things are different now, for a while most likely. What are you going to do with that? Many of the social norms and arbitrary constructs have been removed. And with them, many of the excuses you’ve made for why you’re not doing the things you want to do or being the person you want to be.
Think through the list of what you’ve been saying you want to do or change. Lose weight? Get healthier? Eat better? Read more? Spend more time outside? Spend more time with your family? Tackle projects around the house? Learn a new hobby? Sharpen a new skill? Call your parents or kids more often? Journal? Meditate? Garden? Sleep?
I don’t know what your list looks like but I’m sure it has some of those on it. And the reality is now that all of the reasons you’ve used for years to put that off no longer exist for the time being.
Travel too much for work to exercise regularly or eat well? Not anymore.
Working too much at the office to spend time with your family? Not anymore.
Social events and distractions keeping you too busy to do stuff around the house or find time for mindfulness, learning, or reading? Not anymore.
Life has been shaken up in a serious way. But we can look at it as a loss, or as an opportunity. You see, we have all been forced into receiving a single gift – the gift of presence. We are all living in the moment and taking things a day at a time. We have no other choice honestly. The future is too uncertain to plan for, the events of the world are changing at a rapid pace, and our ability to constantly distract ourselves with travel, events, and obligations has been seriously hampered.
Sure, this last week was really crazy as many of us dealt with the loss of a job or a transition to working from home. The gym I work at is shut down for the next 6 weeks at least (i.e. unemployment) so I am not a stranger to this experience. With all of this change and chaos it may be hard to notice this new “gift” of presence. In fact, you may feel anything other than present, wishing so desperately for a return to normal or a removal of the negative.
But as this new reality settles in over the next month, we will be forced to deal with what is. We will be forced to deal with this new gift of presence. Life will slow down for many of us individually. The days will grow long, blend together, and April may seem like an eternity. Here is the key – you alone get to choose the “what it is” part.
What will you do with that time?
How will you create a new structure for yourself?
Will you come out of the other side of this thing better or worse as a human?
You decide what food is in the house, when you’ll eat it, and how much you’ll eat. You decide if you will exercise, how hard you will do it, and how active you will be. You decide what your free time will look like, what books you’ll read, what creative hobbies you will pursue. Or you will decide to snack, watch TV, lose structure, sit all day, and waste away this opportunity hoping for a different reality.
We can’t keep running around, making excuses for why we aren’t doing the things we want to do. That just doesn’t cut it anymore. This is a chance to step into a new choice, to be different, to grow. The excuses you have used have been shown as shams. You can’t stand behind them anymore.
So how will you create the “what it is” part? What meaning will you bestow this season of life? Many of us have been running from being present our whole life, and now that we are confronted with presence as the only option, how will you respond?
